Ocean floor

Women's retreat...

Well this weekend I had to run sound for a women's retreat. First day was ok, little akward. I was sitting there off in space when I realize everyone in the room was crying about the teaching. Im like...o.k... Well I ended up done earlier then expected which was nice.

Today I went back and it was pretty long. There was three teaching within 5 hours or so. My attention span can barely handle one. Well its was a lot to deal with but its over now. I was really happy to get a thank you text. It reminded me of why I do this. it felt kind of nice to get acknowledged, but not in a prideful way lol.

Sorry....

Something I wrote. Its not a poem and its not a song. Its somewhere between the two lol. Its more of a free verse of what I'm trying to say. Unedited, has more meaning.

These streets never seemed so empty
since our last goodbye
I'm so far away from home now
running from my own lie

But you showed me now
This is what I have to do
If i can ever forget you
Im sorry things didnt come out
the way that you planed
But things change for the best
but im sorry

Time passes by slowly
Counting every second down
Till the moment comes
where you would normally call
I guess it's just an empty night now

But you showed me now
This is what I have to do
If i can ever forget you
Im sorry things didnt come out
the way that you planed
But plans change for the best
but im sorry

I tried so hard to make you see
what you became
And why its not fair to me
The battles already lost
there's no use in fighting
for something thats already gone
im already gone

But you showed me now
This is what I have to do
If i can ever forget you
Im sorry things didnt come out
the way that you planed
But things change for the best
but im sorry
im sorry

=======
Sincerly,
Aaron Kaye
=======

Cause I'm gonna lose ya...

Really like this song, has a very deep meaning, or at least to me it does...



I'm, taking a ride, off to one side,
It is a personal thing
Where, when I can't stand up
In this cage I'm not regretting.
I don't need a better thing,
I'll settle for less.
It's another thing for me,
I just have to wander through this world. Alone.

Stop, before you fall
Into the hole that I have dug here.
Rest, even as you
Are starting to feel the way I used to.
I don't need a better thing,
Just to sound confused.
Don't talk about everyone,
I am not amused...by you.

Cuz Im gonna lose ya
Yes, Im gonna lose ya
If Im gonna lose ya
Cuz Im gonna lose ya
Yes, Im gonna lose ya
If Im gonna lose ya, I'll lose ya now for good.

Start of something new...

"And you could, throw away your expectations now.
And all the things you wouldn't say out loud,
theres nothing left to pick apart now,
the cards are all down"

Well it feels so weird now. I spent the last six or so months planing out possible outcomes for my future, and now its here. Everything is all figured out. it feels a little weird, almost hard to except. No more SAT's or applications. Im home. Now all I have to do is make it through the next 90 something days till I graduate.

I had a great conversation with someone about dorming and I really liked his ideas because they were exactly what I was thinking. Dorming is important for college, admit it. My dad decided to throw me a bone and say that we can talk about moving into an apartment with sisters out in chili. We'll see how that goes. I can only say one thing. Next september I will not be here. I will do everything in my will to make sure that I get to dorm...

It is what it is...

Well apparently I didn't get in to RIT. I don't know how I feel about that. Haven't had time alone with my thoughts yet.I am a little disappoited, but im not 'mad'. I felt like I was fully adequate, my GPA is like a 3.6. SAT scores, not to good but its around the same as tons of people I know that got in. I don't feel sorrow at all, I only feel like I let people down. Everyone had this high expectation and I couldn't reach it. I'm not going to start rationalizing this as character growth or it just wasn't right. It is what it is. I'm content with going to Roberts wesleyan. I think it has a lot to offer me and I have a lot to offer it. It just seems weird that its all done now. No more figuring out where I am going to go. This is it, new home. I am happy that I don't have to wait anymore. All the pieces fell together. I am going to go for engineering at Roberts. Its a pretty fine christian school with hopefully the soon to be mrs.Kaye, if I can find her ;)

Human expectations

"I have (I have) you breathing down my neck (breathing down my neck)
I don't (don't know) what you could possibly expect under this condition so
I'll wait (I'll wait) for the ambulance to come (ambulance to come)
Pick us up off the floor
What did you possibly expect under this condition so"

I feel like lately I've had this big weight on my shoulder, but I couldn't show it because it would show how vulnerable I am. Everyone is expecting me to get in to Rochester Institute of Technology. All I hear left and right, "Did you get in, did you get in"

People don't know but my greatest flaw is the needing to please everyone. It really just ends up taking a huge toll on me mentally.

I honestly don't mind my second choice school. Its not a big deal to me. But I have the world telling me what I want and it makes it difficult to deal.

I am suppose to find out this week. One thought comes to mind, what if I don't get in? How am I suppose to tell everyone. This is all getting blown out of proportion...

New blog account...

Well, its been along time since I blogged anything. I don't like looking back at my blogs and I wanted one that no one knows about, (unless I tell them). So I decided to make up a new account. Hopefully I can start actually using it again. Ive had a lot on my mind. Hopefully this one will be neater and I will actually organize it instead of just a huge day by day diary (or the more manly way, journal)...